How to Train Your House Panther

The house panther’s natural habitat is the human home. It is estimated that at least 96% of homes in North America are inhabited by a house panther. Your initial reaction may be one of fear. What if the house panther harms you or your loved-ones? Don’t worry! If it had wanted to, it would have mauled you in your sleep long ago. It has instead likely grown a rudimentary fondness and creepy sense of possession towards your household, which will be the basis for your future relationship.

House panthers supplement their normal diet of deer and other large game that has wandered into your home with unattended scraps of meat and small children. If you’ve ever found either gone missing, it was probably a house panther!

A common mistake made by potential house panther owners is to turn on the lights; house panthers react violently to sudden exposure to full lighting. Potential owners are instead advised to develop infravision. Now that you have developed infravision, you will be able to see the heat signature of your house panther, except when it is sneaking silently behind you, which will be most of the time.

The actually training regimen is quite simple. Drill the meanings of these words into your house panther: “no!” “don’t!” “stop!” “get off me!” “for the love of God!” “somebody, anybody!” Even if the house panther doesn’t grasp the complete meanings, it will at least find them amusing.

It is normal for a house panther in training to test its boundaries, usually by trying to kill you. One favourite house panther trick is to add or remove a step to your staircase, causing you to stumble and/or fall to your death in the dark. House panther carpentry is limited to this project.

“Gifts” of dead animals left where you can find them are the sign of a well-trained house panther. If your house panther’s gifts begin to extend to the weak and feeble, rap it on the nose with a rolled newspaper, if you dare.

Now you should have a fully-trained house panther at your command! Here’s hoping for long relationship, which, given the long lifespan of a house panther, should last until your death or such time as you pawn off your home to some unsuspecting sap.

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