Presidential Factbook

  • William Howard Taft’s Presidential toilet could hold a grown sea-lion. AND IT DID.
  • Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves, personally, by cover of night, as a practical joke on the South.
  • By the end of his second term, Ronald Reagan’s body was rendered immobile by a carapace of barnacles, and he had to be wheeled back and forth from his bed to his desk every day.
  • Franklin Delano Roosevelt is technically still President today, and will be long after the country has perished from the Earth.
  • Millard Fillmore had no defining features, his very body being a porous, white, ovoid structure.
  • John F. Kennedy was having sex with Marilyn Monroe during the entirety of his Presidency, up to and including his assassination in a Dallas, Texas motorcade.
  • Andrew Jackson first won the Presidency in a duel against incumbent John Quincy Adams, for whom it was fatal. In his second election, Jackson won by murdering both opponents in their sleep.
  • Barack Obama was actually the Messiah of Jewish legend.
  • Richard Satan Nixon legally changed his middle name to Milhous after losing his first Presidential election.
  • Iä! Iä! Donald Trump fhtagn!

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