“The universal translation matrix disallowed curse words in an attempt to better foster goodwill and bonhomie amongst the Old Ones,” said the computer.

“And the Old Ones—” began Emily.

“—Were mutually destroyed in a civil war, yes.”

“How’d you get your name?” asked Emily. “Were you born with it?”

“Nah,” said Peaches. “I named myself. I couldn’t figure out what my name was before I woke up, so I thought ‘What’s something everything loves so they’ll be nice to me?’ The answer: peaches!”

“I don’t like peaches,” said Emily.

I’ll kill you!” yelled Peaches.